Derailed

Do you ever feel like your life is derailed? Off track?? That some how you are on the wrong road? If you haven't, then I want to talk to you and eek out every last secret you have!

At the end of my last post I shared how I was starting a new job. And so I did. My first day was interesting to say the least. I had a pit in my gut all day that I was not where I was supposed to be. To be honest, I had many uneasy feelings for the 2 weeks prior. I dismissed it as nervousness. I knew I was mourning my life as I knew it. I told myself I needed to suck it up. My family needed me to take this job, to bring in more income. On that first day, I had conversations with 2 different staff. One was new to the agency and the other had been there several years. These were people I had never met before. They both basically told me to run as fast as I could. What? Totally unsolicited words. I was partially discouraged and partially scared out of my mind! These people were God's way of telling me that I was in the wrong place, on the wrong road.

What do you do when you realize you are not where you are supposed to be? Or that you are doing something you aren't supposed to be doing? Do you continue to walk down the road and hope it gets better? How crazy would I be to quit a job I just started? I was in a terrible fix. What about the money? The boys both need braces, debts are mounting, college is not too far away, the economy is bad....oh those whispers from the devil. I went to bed praying hard that God would give me the right response. If I am really derailed, help me to get back on track. If I am just nervous, give me peace. When I woke up the next day I had a firm resolve that I needed to quit. I was clearly not where God wanted me to be. As soon as I said my intentions out loud, the peace followed. So, I drove in to the agency and resigned on my second day. It was one of the harder things I have had to do. Throw in a bit of humiliation for added measure.

My job at church had not yet been filled, so I went back. With one change. Tomorrow I start the job on a full-time basis. The pay is way less than I would have made. But if the Lord has called me to this place, to this job and ministry, then he will also take care of our needs. His purposes and plans are sometimes beyond my understanding. He is asking me to trust and obey. I am trying. And just in case I needed a little affirmation, an unusually large number of people came by the church office that day and rejoiced over my return. Aw shucks!

What have I learned?
--it is better to be on God's road than my own path
--God's still small voice is much less painful than the bricks he uses to get our attention
--When Jesus condemned them in Matthew 6:30, saying "oh you of little faith", he meant me
--peace is priceless
--Mercy and grace are precious gifts
--God is good and loves me more than I know
--some lessons take years to learn

I wish that falling down was only for toddlers. I wish I was a faster/better student in God's University. I wish I wasn't so bent on being independent. But more than all of that, I am grateful that the God of the universe loves me and calls me his child. That he dusts me off when I fall. That he continues to urge me on in the race.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14.